I TAKE my party hat off to 21-year-old Alex Tew, a businessmanagement student at Nottingham University. Mr Tew was dismayed bythe prospect of accumulating three years' debt as he completed hisstudies, and saw no easy way of making the GBP 50,000-plus needed topay his fees and living expenses. Then he hit on the idea of sellinginternet advertising space.
Very tiny advertising space, that is. Mr Tew's website comprisesjust one page divided into 10,000 boxes, each 100 pixels in size .
Businesses are invited to put their logo on one or more boxes at acost of GBP 54 per box. When the logo is clicked on, web users arethen transferred to the buyer's own site. Mr Tew has made GBP 578,000out of the idea in just four months. Enough to finance a lifelonglearning project.
Now why - I hear you all mutter - did we not think of that? Half amillion pounds is a useful amount to set against those irksomeseasonal expenses. Best of all, Mr Tew was selling something hedidn't really own. Always the swiftest way to make a fortune, as I'msure Roman Abramovich and his GBP 7.5 billion would agree.
So inspiring is Mr Tew's enterprise that I have launched my ownlittle venture. No pixels required, just a firm belief in commercesans frontieres.
LOT Number One, ladies and gentlemen, offered as seen, a faded andmuch reworked adjective on display at the back of the hall: the word"fine". Can we say GBP 1 million for this homely little item? ... GBP800,000, then, surely?
Consider the provenance."Fine" is an early English concept,property of the entire British population and, as no originalsremain, it is now available in reproduction veneer only. A veryserviceable lot, capable of conveying the precise opposite of itsoriginal meaning, owing to a secret drawer.
That is how my very first sale of distressed vocabulary began. Itwas held yesterday at a discreet hotel, and the proceeds were veryencouraging .
But, you may ask, why auction vocabulary? And how will ownershipbe enforced?
Well, a reply to the first query is easy: for the money. Thesecond is rather more complex. You see, it has become essential toensure a fresh and dependable supply of words for our exceedinglydemanding modern lives. But, as you must have noticed, a significantproportion of the words we use have been worn so smooth in theirconstant passage from hand to mouth, that it is impossible to readthe original imprint clearly. This causes unacceptable confusion.Hence the auctions.
As soon as any word ceases to create a precise impression, off tothe saleroom it must go. That way we can afford to invest in brandnew words. Or we could, if I had not just sold the phrase "brand new"to Bill Gates's window leaner. Don't worry, you won't miss it. It wasa truly threadbare expression, like "fine".
"Honestly" is another. Isn't every lie prefixed with "honestly"?That's why I made it Lot Two for the first auction, and, golly (aword sold to the Enid Blyton estate, but I'll pay for it on thisoccasion), the bidding was fierce.
THE sale of words will, of course, eventually force them out ofcommon usage and into a delicious antique twilight, where, after afew decades, they may regain their lost lustre. Philanthropists ofthe future may then leave their word collections to the nation, to befreely circulated once more .
This system will also stimulate a new and urgent linguisticinventiveness. I've been teasing out quite a few new "free" wordsover the last weeks. I rather like "thrumpily", "mudwump" and"persifilting", though I haven't absolutely delineated their meaningyet .
Even so, I can assure you that they will be a lot more effectivethan some of next week's lots. For next week is a deluxe sale,focused not on slender little solo words, but on thumping greatphrase s.
"New lease of life" is one of the early entries, with "lock, stockand barrel" and "by hook or by crook" all appearing before theluncheon recess. A late entry, offered by the International Women'sLeague, was the very tattered and flimsy phrase "I love you forever",which has generated little interest.
Just no call for it," the auctioneer explained. "But in Februarywe're hoping to acquire 'Up yours!' Now, that should fetch a hogglerap."
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